Dr. Alexandra Solomon on Reclaiming Your Erotic Self

Dr. Alexandra Solomon (@dr.alexandra.solomon on IG) is one of the leading psychologists on relationships and intimacy, known for her groundbreaking undergraduate course, Marriage 101, and for her appearances on The Today Show, NPR, in Oprah Magazine, The Atlantic, Vogue, and on the TED stage. She’s also the author of Loving Bravely and the soon to be released, Taking Sexy Back. I sat down with Alexandra to chat about everything from dating and relationships, to marriage, sex, pleasure, and reconnecting with our erotic selves.  

CLICK HERE TO WATCH.

Show Notes

• (5:51) The #1 relationship skill to develop in yourself 
• (10:39) Why it’s so critical to be able to hold on to contrary truths in your relationship at the same time
• (12:45) The formula for repairing connection after you’re triggered in your relationship, including scripts you can use 
• (17:14) How to guide a partner from defensiveness during conflict to holding space and healing 
• (19:08) Understanding the relationship change loop
•  (21:03) How to ask for what you need from your partner during repair following conflict  
• (25:10) Alexandra’s perspective on the new role of marriage and her favorite resources for consciously defining a marriage 
• (31:54) Alexandra’s advice to women who feel like they need to hide their erotic self because of how they’ll be perceived by others 
• (36:00) Why you don’t need to wait for a relationship to cultivate your erotic self
• (40:29) Alexandra’s inspiration for writing her new book, Taking Sexy Back
• (48:53) Esther Perel on the erotic imagination
• (52:05) Reclaiming our erotic self after trauma
• (1:02:45) How to connect with Alexandra and join the Taking Sexy Back book tour

References

• Les Greenberg & Emotion Focused Therapy 
• Vicki Larson- The New I Do
• Eli Finkle- The All-or-Nothing Marriage
• John Gottman- Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 
• Sue Johnson- Love Sense
• Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt- Making Marriage Simple
• Terry Real- The New Rules of Marriage
• Pam Costa- Reclaiming Female Sexual Desire TED Talk
• Lori Brotto- Better Sex Through Mindfulness
• Candice Kumai- Kintsugi Wellness  
• Gotten Card Decks relationship app 

If you found value in this conversation, I’d love for you to share what stood out on social media (@msleahmarshall on Instagram), and for you to pass it along to a friend. More on Dr. Alexandra Solomon at: http://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/. 

If you liked this interview, you might also enjoy this recent one with Mark Groves (@createthelove on Instagram) on Break-Ups, Boundaries, and Love Lessons at: https://youtu.be/aIs8z2Cg0jU

2019 Influencers, Lessons, & Purpose

Several years ago, I started a tradition. Every December, I’d think back on the teachers and mentors who most impacted me— the lessons they taught me and how they shaped me. Some are close friends, others are authors and public figures. Below is my 2019 list, with info to explore them if you’re curious to learn more.

2019 INFLUENCERS

• Esther Perel– Author, speaker, and one of the wisest voices on relationships of our time
• Mark Groves– Another favorite on relationships and human connection, and the host of the Making Your Heart Make Sense podcast
• Dr. Shefali Tsabary– The most paradigm-shifting teacher I’ve trained with in the areas of consciousness and awakening, whom Oprah lauded as revolutionary
• Austin Head– My trainer and chief motivation officer- both in the gym and in life
• Connor Beaton– Host of the ManTalks podcast and one of my favorites on self-mastery, relationships, and masculinity
• Kamala Harris– The presidential candidate whom I passionately supported and volunteered for this year- one of the most principled, smart, and inspiring politicians I’ve encountered
• Scott Siegal– A friend and one of my greatest teachers this year
• Sophia Bush– For her commitment to social justice, political activism, and killer interviews on her podcast, Work in Progress

2019 LESSONS
“Rock bottom is the best place to meet yourself.”

Several years ago, I went through a really painful dating experience (understatement!) that sent me down a path of learning as much as I could about relationships & why people behave the way they do. This year, I was honored to be invited to share my journey on several podcasts, & also interview 2 relationship experts whom I deeply admire. Links below if you’re interested to have a listen. 🎧

• What To Do If You’ve Been Ghosted 👻
• Real Talk on Love, Sex, & Desire ❤️ 
• Mark Groves on Break-Ups, Boundaries, & Love Lessons 💔 
• Connor Beaton on Shame & Healing 😔

2019 PURPOSE
The purpose of life is a life of purpose. ~Robert Byrne, Author
I believe that we often find our purpose through our pain. 2 years ago, I attended an event called The Summit of Greatness. It brings together the world’s leading authors, entrepreneurs, creatives, activists, artists, poets, and athletes to share their stories. In 2017, one of the speakers was Esther Perel, the famed relationship expert, 2x bestselling author, and 2x TED speaker. Anyone who’s listened to her “Where Should We Begin” podcast on Audible, read her books, or heard her speak gets it- how courageously she tackles life’s toughest topics like infidelity and the loss of desire in long-term relationships, her poetry with language, the masterful way she’s able to explain human behavior, and her playful sense of humor. She’s also the daughter of Holocaust survivors, the impact of which she speaks about often and a legacy that has touched both sides of my family. At the event, Esther had this incredible closing line: “In dating and relationships, we’re often picked for a role that we didn’t audition for.” I remember so wanting to discuss it more, but I didn’t have many friends who regularly talked openly about relationships. So I started a discussion group Facebook, with the goal of connecting with others who love her work and the topics she tackles: infidelity, modern dating, loss of desire in relationships, healing from trauma, masculinity, manhood, and of course, sex. Today we’re a global community of over 7,400 members, united by our fascination with human connection and the way we’re able to show up for each other as we navigate relationships. This year, hundreds of members bounced back from break-ups and infidelity, some got the courage and support to leave marriages that had run their course, and many entered into new, loving ones- often crediting the group as the reason why. Recently, my friend and trainer asked me what my purpose was. I realized it’s what I’m doing with this community: helping people to have deeper, richer, more authentic, and more meaningful relationships by helping them understand why we behave the way we do in connection. 

I’d love to hear from you: what’s your purpose or the legacy you want to leave? Share it as a comment on my 1/1/2020 IG post @msleahmarshall.

Connor Beaton on Porn, Shame, & Healing Our Dark Side

Connor Beaton​ is the founder of ManTalks and one of my favorite voices on men’s work and self-mastery in the relationship space. Connor (@connor.beaton + @mantalks on Instagram) and I sat down together for a candid conversation on “the shadow,” the disowned parts of ourself that become the source of our pain, suffering, and addiction. We touched on how the shadow forms and develops, how it manifests differently in men and women, and how our relationship with our shadow impacts our intimacy, sex life, and so much more. CLICK HERE TO WATCH.

If you found value in this conversation, I’d love for you to share what stood out on social media (@msleahmarshall on Instagram), and for you to pass it along to a friend. More on Connor Beaton at: https://connorbeaton.com.

If you liked this interview, you might also enjoy this recent one with Mark Groves (@createthelove on Instagram) on Break-Ups, Boundaries, and Love Lessons at: https://youtu.be/aIs8z2Cg0jU

Mark Groves on Break-Ups, Boundaries & Love Lessons

Mark Groves (@createthelove on Instagram) is one of my favorite voices on relationships and human connection. Mark and I met up in Chicago as part of his 2019 Loving Bravely Book Club tour to chat about his defining moments, relationship endings, and sustaining desire and curiosity in long-term relationships.

CLICK HERE TO WATCH.

Real Talk on Love, Sex, &, Desire

So honored to be interviewed by Dawn Richard and have the opportunity to dive deep into my favorite topics: relationships, intimacy, love, sex, and desire. CLICK HERE TO LISTEN IN.

Dawn and I covered everything from:

• Why I love both boxing and pole dancing, and the different feelings I tap into when doing each
• How emotions aren’t just thoughts, they’re energy that gets stored in the body until it’s released
• The difference between sex and eroticism and why sex isn’t just something we do, it’s a place we go.
• Why in dating and relationships, we’re often picked for a role that we didn’t audition for
• What to do if you’ve been ghosted
• What sex workers can teach us about what men want
• Why knowing your love languages and your erotic blueprint is so critical
• The conversation before the affair
• The 3 types of relationships (comfort/security, fun/pleasure, and growth)
• Why we put lovers in boxes (the “love/lust split“)
• Moving from “sex as performance” to conscious sex
• The sex tool I can’t stop talking about
• My definition of real love

Leah Marshall leads influencer marketing for a national marketing association. Outside of work, she’s a human dynamics junkie who’s authored dating and relationship content for media outlets including YourTango, ManTalks, Mend, Daily Urbanista, and more. She’s also the founder and leader of the Esther Perel Discussion Group on Facebook, a community of over 7,000 members from across the globe who connect regularly to discuss relationships, intimacy, sex, desire, and infidelity. You can connect with Leah on Instagram at @msleahmarshall, through her YouTube channel, and through her blog https://leapcastlife.wordpress.com/.

What To Do If You’ve Been Ghosted 👻

Ghosting. Why do people do it? And if you’ve been ghosted, how do you move on from the experience and evolve?

In this episode of The Way We Connect podcast, I spoke with host Gwyneth Jones about my experiences with ghosting and how one was a massive springboard for my growth and evolution. We also talked about the critical piece that’s missing from so many dating experts’ advice on ghosting. Learning about it was game-changing for my healing so turn up that volume at 23 minutes in 😉.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

“It’s so easy to wear the cozy cloak of victimhood when we’ve been ghosted but if we dig deeper, we can often find moments during the relationship where we co-created the dynamic that allowed it to happen.”

Leah leads influencer marketing for a national marketing association. Outside of work, she’s a human dynamics junkie who’s authored dating and relationship content for media outlets including YourTango, ManTalks, Mend, Daily Urbanista, and more. She’s also the founder and leader of the Esther Perel Discussion Group on Facebook, a global community of over 6,000 members who come together in person and online to discuss relationships, sex, dating, desire, and infidelity. You can connect with Leah on Twitter at @LeapCast and on Instagram at @msleahmarshall.

Ask Me Anything About: Sex w/ Chris Maxwell Rose

So many of the messages we receive about sex are rooted in performance and shame.  I had the honor of speaking with Chris Maxwell Rose, the founder of the Speaking of Sex podcast, about how we can move towards sex that’s rooted in connection and authenticity. She answered questions about porn, sexual fantasies, healing from sexual trauma, sexual incompatibility, and why it’s so much easier for people to have sex than to talk about it. Click the link below to listen in! 🎧 Tune in to the Speaking of Sex podcast and download their free online Erotic Essentials course at: https://www.pleasuremechanics.com/